Bizarre

As part of an experiment, I went without my meds this last week, and came back on them again this week. Noticeable changes include:

increased introversion;

increased sensitivity to things;

a tendency to block off my emotions to guard them;

and obviously, increased focus.

I'm not sure how I feel about these things. It's too hard to pick up on energy from others. On the other hand, I had an experience today where I simply noticed things I did not before - the movement of a body being key among them. Just watching the muscles move, the... overall smoothness of movement... I was in a VERY strange mood for almost 2 hours, totally enraptured watching my friend work out. It was weird, but I liked it. I'll post again when I have time to think about this.

Intimacy

What does intimacy mean to you? How important is it for you to engage in intimacy? (this can be any sort of intimacy, but keep it clean please) How does too much or too little affect you? Is there such thing as bad intimacy, if so what is it? Who do you like to be intimate with?

Intimacy is being connected deeply with a person. The exchange of ideas and emotions happens with both ease and speed.

Intimacy is vital to my mental health. If I'm not allowed to be intimate with someone, I'll slowly grow more callous and cold, calculating. A fall back to my logical traits so that my emotions are protected from people who may mishandle them, as they grow very sensitive when not given a release.

Too much intimacy and I melt into a gooey puddle of affection, unable to use any critical thinking skills and just wanting cuddles. Too little and I retreat into myself, becoming a machine (as noted above).

If you're intimate and the person starts feeding you negative emotions, it can mess with your head pretty badly. I mean, if they need to get them off their chest then I'll suffer gladly, yet it's still suffering.

I only really get intimacy from one person, and she's my best friend. It's very rare in my life that I get to be intimate.

It doesn't do it justice

In response to "What gives you an emotional high?"

When I cuddle with a cute girl and she touches my neck [EDIT:really, if she touches me softly anywhere]; I physically cannot contain the reaction. I look and sound like I'm having an orgasm. The emotional high is indescribably blissful... I'm trying to think of a way to describe it... just, energy courses through my body, I start breathing faster, and my chest feels like it's on fire in a good way. My heart especially feels lighter.

Another thing is when positive energy is vibrant in a room, and it's flying back and forth between people. It could be anything from mania to focus, I still enjoy it.

jitteryrestlessnessfreakin

I'm stressed far more easily lately. I've recently become aware of how tightly wrapped my emotions are, and how much they resent this. I can't sit still and work on something - I need to get up and walk around. I'm trying to relax a little, find out what's digging at me and fix it.

There's something about silence that bothers me. It can't only be me, just look at society - everyone is going somewhere, doing something. They're always busy, always doing something, or looking for something to do. I don't think they want to slow down and look at themselves. On some level, I think this is getting to me as well. I'm having a slight freak out.

I'm afraid of what I'll find, on some level. I know I have repressed anger towards my dad, I know I feel isolated from my family and I've worked TOWARDS that, because I don't like them. I'm not sure why - they just bother me, on some level. I flirt with girls, but I don't feel like I could ever be with one (at this point in time). I like being in control of my emotions, to not feel strongly so that I can always be unbiased and fair.

I don't think this is working. I may need to reconsider my strategies and values.