lettin this die for a bit

got to do things, donchaknow. be back in 2 months?

Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend

This is Cat

She is kind of amazing. Also, beautiful and unique and comforting and lovely and all in all kind of fantastic. I've known her for just over a year now, and COINCIDENTALLY this has been the greatest period of growth in my life. I'm constantly taken aback by how much she gives, and have to remember to back off a bit in trying to give back.

Day 8: A place you’ve traveled to

http://my.opera.com/SittingFox/album....dml?id=293084

I live here. I've been all across Canada, with the exception of the territories, and I've also been to a quarter of the US. All I need to do is walk 30 metres out the door and I'm in a beautiful forest. Hah. Hahahahah.

Day 7: Favorite movies

Oh geez.

Schindler's List
Hotel Rwanda
Gran Torino - good character development
The Court Jester
Shawshank Redemption
Road To Perdition
Waking Life
the Matrix
THE PRINCESS BRIDE
M by Fritz Lang

Those are notable ones.

Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy

LOLOLLOLOOLLOLOLOLOLOLO WALRUS.

Day 5: A song to match your mood

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsvZuNuKPac&feature=mr_meh&list=FLBPBaGe9sp_U&index=16&playnext=0

Trying to get onto solid emotional footing. Hurray girl drama.

Day 4: Your parents

Mark Wagner, Lead Pastor

Mark Wagner is the lead pastor at Westsong. He is a fourth generation pastor with the Salvation Army. He holds the rank of Major.

Through years of study (BTh, BA, MA, MDiv, STM, DMin) he has developed a passion for helping people understand what the Bible is saying and what it has to do with us! He is committed to planting and pastoring new, vibrant churches for the 21st century.

In his spare time, he enjoys hiking the coastal trails of Vancouver Island, making music and dabbling in technology.



Isobel Wagner, Discipleship Pastor
Isobel Wagner, who holds the rank of Major in the Salvation Army, is the discipleship pastor at Westsong. She spent many years in training (BA, BRE, MTS), and has a special interest in nurturing people through HOME groups and mentoring. With Mark she has reared five wonderful kids--Lynn, Marci, Trav, Vangi and Wesley. Isobel also coordinates the CLASSes that people attend as they first come to our church and continue to grow in their faith. These CLASSes (acronym: Christian Life and Service Seminars) enable us to be driven by the five purposes that God designed for the church.


My father tested as ENTJ. My mother originally tested INTJ, when she was younger, but now tests ISFJ. My siblings are Lynn (dunno, maybe IXFX), Marci (INTJ), Travis (ISFJ), Vangi (ENFP), and myself, INTP.

I don't really like my father. He's very in control of his household, which occasionally gets to be a bit much. I don't like how dominating he is, especially in regards to my mother. It's practically a 50's relationship.
My mom is a sweetheart, almost to a fault. I don't know how else to describe her, really.

Day 3: Your first love

Mmmph. This one caused me some trouble. What defines first love? My first big crush? My first almost relationship? My first actual relationship?

I had a crush on Kate for a year and a half, through grade 8 to grade 9. She sat next to me in science, and as I talked to her I started liking her, blahblahblah, she met another guy. Eh.

Christia, so far, is the only girl to have actually stopped my heart. we were in socials and I looked over and saw her throwing her hair back and THUMP. My heart stopped beating for half a second. Adrenaline hit me hard and the pain was swallowed... just wow. Same as Kate though, she started liking another guy, and asked us to just be friends. NOT TWO MONTHS LATER SHE LIKED ME. Damnit woman, right after I friend zoned her! ah well. She still kind of likes me.. which is pretty good seeing as it's been 3 years.

Rachel was my first girlfriend. It was almost perfect, the way we grew together in 2 months then started dating... however, it became long distance, and in the weekend we managed to get together, she spun on a dime, distanced me throughout the weekend and then broke up with me. Ow. Ow ow ow ow ow ow. I still have intimacy issues from that.

Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name

Ripped off www.xkcd.com

no biggie.

Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts

Oh hello there, blog watcher! My name is Wesley, and I'm bored. Hence, CHALLENGES. Need to fight stagnation.

INTP = a Myer Briggs type

Ti = Introverted Thinking

LARP = Live Action Role Play

ADHD = Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

harf barf narf = ipso facto

[img]https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc6/217635_10150176269521860_585386859_7412293_747631_n.jpg[/img]

1) My 'type' is INTP. Some days I like it, some days I don't.

2) On the days I don't, I have acting to help me deal with it. I'm hoping to continue with acting as a career.

3) I was raised a Christian, in the Salvation Army. I'm a pastor's brat. Not quite sure where I stand at this point.

4) I like Fedoras, and clothes that flap in the wind.

5) I'm a speed reader. I've been reading at a university level since Grade 1. I don't remember if I understood what I was reading, but I could read it.

6) I do LARPing in my spare time. I'm a battlemage, which means I'm a either a brave caster or a cowardly soldier. I use the fighting part to get over some issues I have with being hit.

7) I'm /very/ Ti, especially when I'm uncomfortable. If something happens and it's outside my social parameters, I shut down until I figure out what the hell is going on.

8) I was diagnosed with ADHD. The meds were useful for getting things done, but I feel more alive when I'm off them. In the past month I've gone from 90% to 60% in Math, because I stopped wanting to do it.

9) I hate tradition. I want to be able to form my own opinions.

10) On the above note, never try to force me to do anything, because I'll resist. I don't care how childish it is, let me make my own decisions.

11) If you want to make me do something, give me solid, logical reasons. Even if I'm opposed to it, eventually I have to follow my brain.

12) I'm perhaps one of the most sane people in the group I associate myself with. It's kinda strange, because I've always felt like an outsider, struggling with certain issues, but suddenly I'm the normal one. Funny how that works.

13) I have more pansexual and bisexual best friends than I do heterosexual. They tend to be more interesting.

14) I'm extremely open, and constantly pushing my boundaries. If you ask, I will answer. Fair be warned.

15) Harf barf narf.

30 day challenge!

Day 0: The 30 Day Challenge Explanation and Description
Day 1: Introduce, recent picture of yourself, 15 interesting facts
Day 2: Meaning behind your blog name
Day 3: Your first love
Day 4: Your parents
Day 5: A song to match your mood
Day 6: A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 7: Favorite movies
Day 8: A place you’ve traveled to
Day 9: A favorite picture of your best friend
Day 10: Something you’re afraid of
Day 11: Favorite tv shows
Day 12: Something you don’t leave the house without
Day 13: Goals
Day 14: A picture of you last year - how have you changed?
Day 15: Bible verse
Day 16: Dream house
Day 17: Something you’re looking forward to
Day 18: Favorite Place to Eat
Day 19: Something you miss
Day 20: Nicknames
Day 21: Favorite Picture of yourself ALL TIME Why?
Day 22: What’s in your purse?
Day 23: Favorite Movie
Day 24: Something you’ve learned
Day 25: Put your iPod on shuffle, first 10 songs
Day 26: Your Dream Wedding
Day 27: Original Photo of the city you live in
Day 28: Something that stresses you out
Day 29: 3 Wishes
Day 30: a picture of yourself this day and 5 good things that happened since you started the challenge

Something I ranted yesterday

Why is the sky so fucking beautiful

It looks like God took a paintbrush and a thousand years to make a single sunset

and he poured out his soul into the northern lights

and as the sun reflects it’s light off of water and through clouds sometimes I could honestly cry

My favourite, though, is when the sun is shining brightly behind you

with storm clouds in front

so that the purple of the storm clouds and the bright green of the grass pulse radiantly in your eyes

About that emo post

I went and talked with my friend about it, and we eventually came to a good conclusion. I'm actually extremely satisfied with it. I had been projecting a lot of insecurity, and I just needed to face it. I always lose friends. Always. And I didn't want to lose her. So all of this came to a head, and I admitted it to her. She helped me get my head together, and, well, yeah. Giant load off my back.

Here was the original post.

"Today, I let myself introspect. I've been pushing my emotions down, trying to find a good time to deal with them, but it's getting harder. So I tried to let some of it out... and am now in more than moderate pain. I met a girl just over a year ago now, and she really was something else. We considered dating, but it never worked out and this is what I keep coming back to. What if I had said yes. Can I still say yes? Have I blown my chance with this incredible girl forever? I told her at the time that we should wait, and I really did mean I wanted to wait. I was willing to wait for as long as I needed to. but she thought I meant we should forever remain friends and so distanced herself... I still love her with every bone in my body, and if I never get another chance to be something more than a friend than I still consider myself extremely blessed, but...

Things used to be a lot harder in her life, and even though I tried with all my strength to help I would wind up drained and exhausted. Now, though, things are better and I've waited.....

This post feels like a mistake. It feels like something I should type out and then erase. Maybe I'll just email it to myself and hold it for when we're older and wiser, and maybe then I'll be able to look at this, and delete it. But for now, I don't have the strength. It hurts so badly."

Sigh.

This post has been cut and is being held elsewhere. Too much emo for the internets. Have a good day.

Bizarre

As part of an experiment, I went without my meds this last week, and came back on them again this week. Noticeable changes include:

increased introversion;

increased sensitivity to things;

a tendency to block off my emotions to guard them;

and obviously, increased focus.

I'm not sure how I feel about these things. It's too hard to pick up on energy from others. On the other hand, I had an experience today where I simply noticed things I did not before - the movement of a body being key among them. Just watching the muscles move, the... overall smoothness of movement... I was in a VERY strange mood for almost 2 hours, totally enraptured watching my friend work out. It was weird, but I liked it. I'll post again when I have time to think about this.

Intimacy

What does intimacy mean to you? How important is it for you to engage in intimacy? (this can be any sort of intimacy, but keep it clean please) How does too much or too little affect you? Is there such thing as bad intimacy, if so what is it? Who do you like to be intimate with?

Intimacy is being connected deeply with a person. The exchange of ideas and emotions happens with both ease and speed.

Intimacy is vital to my mental health. If I'm not allowed to be intimate with someone, I'll slowly grow more callous and cold, calculating. A fall back to my logical traits so that my emotions are protected from people who may mishandle them, as they grow very sensitive when not given a release.

Too much intimacy and I melt into a gooey puddle of affection, unable to use any critical thinking skills and just wanting cuddles. Too little and I retreat into myself, becoming a machine (as noted above).

If you're intimate and the person starts feeding you negative emotions, it can mess with your head pretty badly. I mean, if they need to get them off their chest then I'll suffer gladly, yet it's still suffering.

I only really get intimacy from one person, and she's my best friend. It's very rare in my life that I get to be intimate.

It doesn't do it justice

In response to "What gives you an emotional high?"

When I cuddle with a cute girl and she touches my neck [EDIT:really, if she touches me softly anywhere]; I physically cannot contain the reaction. I look and sound like I'm having an orgasm. The emotional high is indescribably blissful... I'm trying to think of a way to describe it... just, energy courses through my body, I start breathing faster, and my chest feels like it's on fire in a good way. My heart especially feels lighter.

Another thing is when positive energy is vibrant in a room, and it's flying back and forth between people. It could be anything from mania to focus, I still enjoy it.

jitteryrestlessnessfreakin

I'm stressed far more easily lately. I've recently become aware of how tightly wrapped my emotions are, and how much they resent this. I can't sit still and work on something - I need to get up and walk around. I'm trying to relax a little, find out what's digging at me and fix it.

There's something about silence that bothers me. It can't only be me, just look at society - everyone is going somewhere, doing something. They're always busy, always doing something, or looking for something to do. I don't think they want to slow down and look at themselves. On some level, I think this is getting to me as well. I'm having a slight freak out.

I'm afraid of what I'll find, on some level. I know I have repressed anger towards my dad, I know I feel isolated from my family and I've worked TOWARDS that, because I don't like them. I'm not sure why - they just bother me, on some level. I flirt with girls, but I don't feel like I could ever be with one (at this point in time). I like being in control of my emotions, to not feel strongly so that I can always be unbiased and fair.

I don't think this is working. I may need to reconsider my strategies and values.

From the movie "Waking Life"

(A blonde woman is talking in a house - Kim Krizan, screenwriter)

Creation seems to come out of imperfection. It seems to come out of a striving and a frustration. And this is where I think language came from. I mean, it came from our desire to transcend our isolation and have some sort of connection with one another. And it had to be easy when it was just simple survival. Like, you know, "water." We came up with a sound for that. Or "Saber-toothed tiger right behind you." We came up with a sound for that. But when it gets really interesting, I think, is when we use that same system of symbols to communicate all the abstract and intangible things that we're experiencing. What is, like, frustration? Or what is anger or love? When I say "love," the sound comes out of my mouth and it hits the other person's ear, travels through this Byzantine conduit in their brain, you know, through their memories of love or lack of love, and they register what I'm saying and they say yes, they understand. But how do I know they understand? Because words are inert. They're just symbols. They're dead, you know? And so much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed. It's unspeakable. And yet, you know, when we communicate with one another, and we feel that we've connected, and we think that we're understood, I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion. And that feeling might be transient, but I think it's what we live for.

thoughts on sexuality/life - from a conversation

why so interested in demisexuality all of a sudden?

well, my sexuality has bugged me for a couple years now

I've always felt my sex drive was too high

and along comes the idea of having your sex drive being reliant on your emotional connection to someone

when I think about this, it makes a lot of sense to me

Sex is extremely intimate

for me, it's the highest expression of love

and when I feel the urge to have sex, I feel like I'm cheapening my relationship with them (this is outside of marriage)

I mean

as it is

rarely do I find myself attracted to someone

but every now and then, usually after talking to a girl for a bit

I find myself looking their way more often

well i dont think you should feel thats not normal. it is normal.

I'm not normal. I know this for certain

When I compare myself to others, I feel very isolated.

Some people out there actually terrify me

they're so.. oblivious to life

they don't use their minds for anything other than making money and having fun

I have a mind, I use my mind

I enjoy my mind

And when my mind considers my behaviour, it does not like what it sees.

I can't appeal to the majority here.

you are different

but

how is that bad?

I don't want to be like the others

If I had to, I would go crazy

I would break down

I think I might be mildly demisexual

what makes you think that?

when I see a girl I have no emotional connection to, I can't find her atractive unless I try to

eventhen it's sketchy

well thats a good thing

I do like that.

I don't like how many connections I makethough

I wish I could trust my mind to keep things platonic

It's always pushing boundaries

(btw, do you mind if I put this on my blog? everything i was thinking about is showin up)

not at all

bleh

it'd be convenient, really.

I dislike hormones jacking my thought process

*hugs

there's a comic

that i agree with strongly

http://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1366#comic

If humans didn't have sex

what would we be capable of?

humans need the intimacy though

Sex isn't the only way to achieve intimacy

old couples can sometimes do this

in fact, we were given this crap poem in English called The Dumkav or something

it was about an old couple reflecting

and the poem ends with them holding each others had

hand*

There's love there too

they didn't need to have sex to get to it

11:41pm

well no one dont need to to achieve intimacy but all people are different. i know for me to feel intimate with someone i need cuddles and kisses and stuff. some people just communicate more physically than others.

Aye, I'm fairly physical, and that might be a contribution

but its not a bad thing

11:48pm

you're right, it isn't

but... I just feel like there's so much I could do, if I wasn't restrained by, well, my humanity

your humanity in invaluable to you

never wish it away

11:48pm

I tried being schizoid - it sucked. mega monkey balls

The absence of emotions sucks, the presence of emotions generally sucks, with a few exceptions

excitement is one I really enjoy

you know that spark that vibes in the room when a bunch of likeminded people get together for something?

I LOOOOVE THAT.

I also really enjoy satisfaction, and contentment

but most other things are kinda bleh

well

I kinda enjoy love

the floating on a clouds kind of love

where you just want to do a dance

but i find that kind of love brings issues because I ahven't found anyone to feel that for, and feel secure at the same time

i like quiet love

where you just hold the others persons hand and let time just pass by?

the kind where you dont need to profess it in front of everyone where you can just smile at them and they know what you mean

i had that once

but they fucked it up >.>

its nice thoug

though*

to just be comfortable with someone

yeah..

*sigh

just lie in the backyard and cuddle in the sun and not need anything else you know?

T'day

yeah, I know

...dangit, now i'm all cuddly D:

and there's no one to cuddle

same here

*hug

i really miss it now i never thought about how much i needed that until now

like just cuddling

12:03am

aye. sometimes I get to have long hugs with Cat, and those are nice

but they're far and few because of how irregularily we see each other

and of course, she's not always in the mood

yeah

Cabarawr

So, Cabaret was interesting. Around thursday evening, my meds started wearing off and because people still had energy I could feed off of their energy and be a little crazy. It was extremely enjoyable. That high lasted until cabaret ended, and the crash was pretty huge, but totally worth it. I met a lot of new people and the whole thing was one awesome experience. I forgot I had that extroverted part of me...

Don't remember what else I was going to say. I may blog again soonish, though.

hhhuuurrrrrrr

i am crashing. I'm satisied with the past few days, and all I need now is to fall asleep in midcuddle. more posties later/tomorrow/whenever

Sometimes

Sometimes, I wish I wasn't who I am. Sometimes, I wish I were different, normal. I especially feel this in drama - seeing all these active people around me, talking, enjoying each other's company, as I wander around and wait for something to happen. I mean, how hard is it to strike up a conversation with someone you vaguely know? Sometimes, I wish that I was as down to earth and sociable as these people, and not so eccentric, abstract and introverted.

And sometimes I am. Sometimes I can smoothly go from conversation to conversation, being extroverted, sociable, and it's an enjoyable experience. But then, something funny happens - I see an eccentric person and think "Man, that guy is awesome. I wish I was more quirky." You hear about people like Tesla, and Edison - not very high in the charisma department, but still humorous people. I begin remembering intellectuals who led fascinating lives, and I want to experience that. Sometimes I wish that I was as eccentric, abstract and introverted as these people, and not so down to earth and sociable.

I imagine this is why I'm so good at acting. I can put myself in peoples shoes so well, because I, at some point, have been them. In the odd case that I haven't, I simply form connections and make an educated guess at how they feel/react. I'm rarely off. Sometimes, it's nice to be someone else.

Everything in moderation, including moderation.

Continued NYR

I'll start with Get More Hygiene.

No, I am not that disgusting! I'm just absent minded is all. I need to remember to do things, and some of those things are showering and brushing my teeth. I need to keep them regular, not all over the place. you know, a sche- never mind... I'm just digging myself a hole.

A quick update from yours truly

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS:

Read or write at least 1 hour a day.

Manage my time better.

Work on my social abilities.

Go to church every week.

Pray more.

Get more hygiene.

I may expound on these one by one at a later date.