LOOK OUT IT'S A NEW POST!

Although there isn't any content in it. sorry. I do plan to make more content in the coming days though, so eyes peeled!

Off to Ontario

I never thought I'd say I miss this place, but I really want to stay, and hang out, and just enjoy where I am for once. I'm always wanting to move on, maybe I should just stay put. For that reason I think I may just have my last summer at camp this year... I don't know. I'll be doing a lot of soul searching over the next few months, try to find my niche in this world.

sigh. I miss you already.

Wordvomit.

Haven't done one of these in a while... not sure what to say. I kind of wish to spend my life more productively, but I don't know how to go about that. NSALKDNASLKDNSADKLn. I have a brain, so I should probably use it. It's such a waste not to. Oh well. I'm off to Ontario on the 26th.

My mind is currently overloaded in an underloaded sense

There's a lot on my mind, and it really isn't cooperating with me in trying to get sorted through all of this. First and foremost, hormones - out to get me since 2004. Am I so swayed by urges that I can't think straight? Second, Faith. Someone recently asked me why they should become a Christian. I couldn't reply. This is a gigantic warning bell for me. My excuse is that my reasons for being Christian are personalized to me [gives me meaning/purpose, is the logical thing to do]. But this means that somethings wrong... I really need to think. Third, I'm entertaining the possibility of doing the relationship thing. I don't know yet, though. I just don't know.

two quick things

One: After a good think, I decided to stop entertaining 2 of my 4 crushes. That takes a small load off of my brain.

Two: Going to church is really lame, because I have no friends there and before/after the service is mind numbingly boring.

Bah, women

So, today I get to add another girl to the list of crushes... stupidness. I ended up in a bad situation with one of them today, one I placed myself in. I verbalized my struggle to her [I really wanted to kiss her, despite that being a baaaad idea], and she said that would cross a line, so I was able to use that as motivation to get my mind on track. I could have avoided that though. Ugh, irritation.

I just feel like I should be better than that - I shouldn't give into my hormones that easily. I have better standards than that of hedonism. Oh well. I'll shake it off and get back on track. a devo should help

Weeeeeeeeeeeeee

Been trying to cheer myself up recently, and it has been working pretty well. Watched The Court Jester, Moulin Rouge, Singing in the Rain, all that fun stuff. And it worked =D

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Next on the list is Sweeny Todd, but I'll have to watch it with a friend... and rent the movie :\

Who haven't I hung out with in a while?

Ugh

I'm exhausted, in all senses. I don't know... I just don't know. What is it I don't know? well, a friend had a breakdown today, so I stayed with him through most of lunch and all of drama. That was... fun. Another friend is likely to have one tonight. Gah... and there are more people out there who need help. I can't be there for all of them. This is really a pathetic way to end a blog, but I want a hug.

Damnit

It's happening, again - except this time, I'm not in as advantageous a position. I'm trying to help, I'm prepared to make any sacrifice... but I CANNOT HELP IF YOU REFUSE MY DAMN HELP. You.won't.survive. You need another way. Damn it all! Just being there is all I can do. that, and pray. Pray like I've never prayed before.

Practising your lower register

Makes you speak lower. It's soo weird, but I've expanded my register by two tones - maybe more (I don't want to try going too low).

I have a dilemna right now.

"Oh Wesley, please tell us your dilemna."

Haha, well, if you insist ;)

I don't know what I want to do after High School. Rather, I do, and it's at odds with the smart choice. Here are mein options.

1) Engineer. Smart. It will give me money, and I like the idea of building bridges and railroads and stuff.

2) ...Musical Theatre. Not smart, but I enjoy singing, I enjoy acting, and dancing is also fun (but I'm no good at dancing).

Opinions? I'm confused. And should probably format my courses for next year around these things.

Can't think of an adequte title.

Now, a couple weeks ago, I had a life changing event. I learned that nearly 6 of my friends were cutting/had cut themselves. This was at a time where I was moping around, dealing with my problems. When I saw the marks on my friends hands, this great guy who doesn't deserve it in the slightest, the guy who goes out of his way to make people happy, it put everything into perspective. I understand that it's an addiction, the cutting acts as a release for pent up emotions. Often, they feel worthless, despicable - and that drives me crazy. These people are GOOD PEOPLE. Who lied to them? I'm fighting even as I write this to help one of my friends. This both terrifies me and makes me want to cry. I can't let this blog keep distracting me. signing off.

Huh

My desire to get out of this place is nowhere near as strong as it once was. This certainly makes things interesting... what does it mean? Am I finally settling in?

Attitude change?

So, a few days ago, I finally managed to start reading my bible again. I was still in a rut, going through the motions and trying not to think. I was tired, and inclined to do stupid things. This had been going on for over a month.

But now I feel way better and am generally more pleasant, more energetic and more focused. It's incredible what taking 30 minutes out of your day will do. I hope as this continues, I can keep thawing out. It's a nice feeling.

Girls :O

And now the age old mystery: Women. I'm curious as to what exactly goes through a girls mind - especially some of the "logic" I get. There almost seems to be a hidden emphasis placed on emotions, and while this allows me to make jokes about "woman logic" I'm a little curious as to what causes this. I can kind of understand emotions tainting your reasoning, but that is far more common in girls than guys. I see more stress and worry from girls, and more concern for their image. Care to give me any insight?

Also, out of curiosity, what do you look for in a guy? I tend to look for someone with enthusiasm, tempered with wisdom. I, being a colder person (not willingly! also, in flux? <--- reason I'm not dating), am attracted to warmer people.

I am I, Don Quixote, the Lord of La Mancha!

I hate being fake, but I feel I don't have to be now. Church did make a difference, if a slight one. I will go to school tomorrow happier. I'll take any improvement I can get.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
considering my two followers are girls, maybe I should discuss them next time :O Oooooooh!

Ice.

It's not a nice thing. Take that Edward Cullen fans. I'm a very cold person, in all aspects. My circulation is fail, leaving me with freezing hands (good as an impromptu ice pack) and my personality is shockingly distant. now, I have mixed emotions about this - I hate being so distant, so able to sever ties with everyone I know and love. I however, am pleased that knowing I'm so cold can shock me. It means I'm still human. I enjoy being with people, I enjoy comforting them and supporting them.... but I don't know if I would blink if walked into school one day and found everyone massacred. And I hate that.

If you have a suggestion, give me a holler. I know one solution, I just suck at implementing it.

I don't know what else to think of this. I'm devoutly Christian, I should love everyone and be without blemish.... but I'm huma, and I can't do that alone. Jesus can help me, but only if I go to him for help, which I always forget to do.

I'm so busy trying to bury the void in my life that I have no time to fix it. Or allow it to be fixed, however you see it. Bah.

Yarr harr, fiddle dee dee.

I've been pretty emo lately, and I'm pretty sick of it. I've been borderline sulky for the past couple years, and it's reaaaallly starting to work on my nerves.

The root of the problem is, interestingly, standards I have set for myself.

Now, aforementioned standards are ridiculously high; not trying to get high marks in school, or cure cancer, but trying to maintain an extremely high amount of dignity. I occasionally snicker when in choir ("mahaha, dong") but for the most part I don't allow my mind to wander down that path. Or at least, I try. Bloody hormones. The real kicker is that I have ADHD, and I, um, can't control my mind. Despite being heavily medicated (connect that statement with standards and you can guess).

...blah, i'll finish this later. time to sleepeth.

I'll have something interesting to say later on... have to think.

Ever get that feeling....

That you're all alone?

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never shared
No one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

Lent and phobias

I got Bioshock for my birthday. Now, I am illogically TERRIFIED of zombies, and the enemies in Bioshock are similar enough to scare me.

http://images.fanpop.com/images/image_uploads/bioshock-splicer-bioshock-523373_425_298.jpg

Seriously - that's a face only a mother could love.

On to more practical things, two days ago was Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. Now, I originally planned to give up Facebook, but the sudden lack of social contact hit me shockingly hard. I know that's a little pathetic, but my friends are far away and usually busy - hence me staying in my house so much. I changed my goals so I could go on for 30 minutes a day - 4 1/2 hours a week, a huge decline from 30+ hours.

Still feeling a little empty-ish; hopefully this angst move on quick.

Happy Birthday to me - thoughts on life, aging, loneliness, and other totally deep stuff.

So, it's my birthday. I don't like my birthday. Why?, you may ask. Well, Mr. BlogWatcher, I shall tell you. There are a number of reasons

1) The attention. Now, I can be an attention whore, but on my birthday I get all of this fake attention that actually depresses me and makes me feel very alone.

2)The gift giving. I know people mean well but I just can't get enthused about it. I think Rachel rubbed off on me.

3)The lack of best friends. Now, I have a couple people here I could call best friends, but the real best friends are a couple thousand kilometers away. I despise every meter of it.

4)Growing up. How lame. I'm going to actually have to give thought to my direction in life, because I totally haven't done that before. I think I get myself hyped for the future, and then the future disappoints.

Seriously. I really want out of here. And this irritating void in my soul needs filling. 1-800 JESUS style.

[/insert murdered red ribbon here]

Alright, so I have a blog. Thank you, Karly. This will be an interesting outlet for my intense boredom/misplaced existentialism. What to say first?

I suppose I'll start by saying I successfully auditioned for the role of a socially awkward asthmatic nerd. The only thing bad about this is that I'll have to be careful about hyperventilating (which I did in the audition). Fun stuff.

Also, I despise Falsetto, and every note above the bass clef. Looooathe.

My English class was interesting - the topic of the day was beauty, and what we found attractive. Now, anything I don't find unattractive is attractive to me, but that's not the case for many. Several girls said "eyes", which is kind of awesome for me because I have the bluest eyes in existence. But, really, it'd never work out. I can just tell. I will continue to rock the single life, because I am awesome.

That's that, for now. I really need to do some devos. I'll get to that later though.